


You Never Mean To Get Attached

by GrossPrincess



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Character Study, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-08
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-02-28 14:15:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2735672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrossPrincess/pseuds/GrossPrincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You pour yourself into your work like you've never done before, you can read it in your numbers, you can feel the prediction like it's etched into your skin, even with the limited data – they are coming, faster, constantly.</p><p>portuguese -> http://archiveofourown.org/works/6044176/chapters/13858468</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

You never mean to get attached to anyone.  
It's one of the rules you set yourself, you are alone, you can take care of yourself and that is the best way to proceed with life.  
You are very careful not to look to closely into the reasons for this particular rule, you just follow it.  
\- 

You are not under any delusions about who you are – you are fully aware of your asocial tendencies, your lack of understanding when it comes to facial cues and body language, the fact that sometimes you simply can't talk, the stabbing at your skull when the light is too bright, your expressionless face.  
You dress quite a few years out of style because that's how you like it and you talk the way you do because its the only way you know how.  
You are aware you can be rude and unfriendly because of your fears, but you don't like calling it a defense mechanism.  
Sometimes you are okay with all of these things, sometimes you aren't. 

\- 

You hate your colleagues.  
You are surrounded by mathematicians and computer scientists and the odd engineer, you are supposed to feel at home, they are supposed to be like you. They aren't.  
You hate the way they easily flow together and make connections, you hate the small talk that never seems to go sour. You hate their blooming interpersonal relationships.  
You don't want it to be jealousy – it's petty, unprofessional. 

It's not as though they ignore you as soon as they meet you, that comes with time and you help them along.  
In fact, you welcome it. 

\- 

You don't like being touched. It used to be a game when you were at school, watch Hermann flinch and frown at being lightly grazed, never mind the fact that it hurt, that the ghost of the touch lasted for hours. You don't know if it would change anything if they knew.  
As asocial as you view yourself to be that doesn't mean you don't get lonely, or that you don't crave companionship. You do get yourself off at night wishing someone was there to touch you, but you also know that that is a very far off possibility.  
More often than not they are men, at least that was something about you that you never did mind too much.  
It's a particularly interesting hell – knowing you are touch starved but can't ask anyone to indulge you in it because of the intense pain you know it will bring.  
Not to mention the fact that you wouldn't even know how to ask.

-

You pour yourself into your work like you've never done before, you can read it in your numbers, you can feel the prediction like it's etched into your skin, even with the limited data – they are coming, faster, constantly.  
You are considered a numbers man, but you are much more than that. You designed the database(s) behind this whole god damn thing, you've been in on the designing of the jaeger OS from the beginning, you know the possibilities and the limitations of the jaegers, of every system that connects to them, you might not have the best grasp of the hardware aspects of them, but that isn't what you care about.  
Every piece of data is important to your predictions and you had to be sure you could not only have as much of them as you could, but that you could understand it.  
The kaiju are a different story, something you can't quite wrap your mind around, even though you know the danger.  
They feel disconnected to you, to your numbers. 

-

Every Monday when you walk to your desk a thick file with updated information about the kaiju appears, from the biologists.  
It's typed and printed but there are scrawls of handwritten notes along the sides, drawings with explanations. You can feel the excitement on the paper, sometimes the scrawls venture outside of typical notes. Sometimes there are jokes. Stories. Snippets of what seem to be the person trying to initiate conversation.  
You, of course, send files back. They are professional.  
But from time to time you indulge yourself, sometimes you try to continue with the conversation the other person has started.  
It's surprisingly delightful. They are smart and interesting, and maybe a little fun.  
You think briefly of simply looking up who this is, the head of the biology department, but for some reason you decide against it. 

\- 

One particular Monday you get a file that's oddly bare. You still wander through the pages with your highlighter, you try not to think something along the lines of “have I ruined this?”.  
When you are done you flip the file over, going to grab the next one, when you see familial scribble on the back.  
An email address and a message. 

newt_kaijumaster@jaegerprogram.com  
~ send me an email math nerd

So you do.


	2. Chapter 2

There are both good and bad aspects of being “officially” diagnosed.

_(“ ...autism spectrum disorder, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, savant syndrome, important to note certain obsessive compulsive disorder traits probably connected to the ASD.... ”)_

One of the good ones is that you are excused from the head-of-departments meetings. You write what you want conveyed down – and send someone else to talk for you.  
You suppose you could be considered somewhat isolated, but it works for you most of the time.  
You interact with people from time to time, it's not as if you never talk, but you do it on your terms, in your way. 

One of the bad ones is the pity. You are – and these are simply facts – a brilliant mathematician, your code is sharp and creative and at this time you are undeniably necessary.  
But people tend to look down at you for your humming or the way you rub your thighs when you are thinking. The fact that you need a cane doesn't help much either.  
Sometimes there are good reasons to avoid people. 

\- 

You don't actually meet Newton Geiszler until you two are stuffed in a tiny room with barely any room to breathe, the two last standing of K-Science, a part of the resistance.  
You are used to his messy notes on your table, his lengthy emails and IMs, not his actual presence.  
You should hate him.  
He is loud and disruptive and during his manic episodes he can be even more impulsive than previously thought possible. His tattoos were borderline offensive (and not to mention obnoxious) and his attitude towards the kaiju seems to much more than borderline.  
But he's like you, terrible at the social aspects of life, but at his field(s) of study he is undeniably a genius.  
You don't, you really really do not hate Newton Geiszler. 

He seems fascinated with you, with your oddities. The scribble on the sides of files had turned into very long personal emails, that had turned into constant messages and texts, with a much to liberal use of smilies in a matter of weeks.  
He really seemed to like you – he didn't seem to pity you or to have been forced to interact with you and it felt nice.

-

“Why do you only talk to me?”  
He doesn't look at you as he asks, he just continues to bury around in something that's probably important, grabbing at and squeezing various organs. 

“I talk to other people.”  
You answer – because you do. 

“No, I mean like, you don't even go to the meetings with Pentecost, you just send me - and – and – and, you sometimes just point at stuff in the cafeteria and like most of the time its just a few words or just the important stuff, except for when its me, we even yell at each other! About all sorts of things!”  
He had been flailing about as he said it, throwing around his hands over his head and then stopping and staring at you.

“I don't like talking to most people, I like talking to you.”  
You say - because it's the truth. 

“Oh. Most people don't like me.”  
Newton smiles at you. It feels... Nice. You become very aware of the fact that you aren't smiling back. But your face does feel suddenly very warm, you are pretty sure you are embarrassed or blushing or both. 

"We haven't gone more than a few minutes for months without communicating."  
This is what you decide is best to say because you are confused about this whole conversation - it feels surprisingly intimate, but you can't place your finger on what exactly it means.

"Yeah but like... words and stuff, you know? Actual mouth words."

Even though you both have been standing still at opposite ends of the very small lab you can feel something drawing you closer.  
You can feel that there is something more behind the words he said but you don't feel like figuring it out right away, you just breathe in and out a few times before saying:

“We've been idle for far too long, get back to work.”

And both of you do.  
Hyperfocus takes over and you don't realize that maybe you need to think about your feelings towards Newton until a few hours later.


	3. Chapter 3

You have never been good at knowing what you are feeling, even basic emotions like hunger often escape you.   
Am I tired now?   
Am I hungry now?   
Am I attracted to him?   
Because that is the real question now isn’t it.   
Am I [Hermann Gottlieb] attracted to him [Newton “Newt” Geiszler]? 

You view yourself as both romantic and as a somewhat sexual being, homosexual being the optimal term to describe your particular attraction to one particular gender.   
You would probably describe your relationship with Newton as… Friends.   
There is fighting and yelling but its comforting - its your own way of communication, there’s no spite there, no actual anger at each other - the situation, yes, but at each other, as people? No.

Despite having interest in those things, you don’t exactly view yourself as a sexual being.   
(Because no one else has in the past). 

You decide to let this go for now.   
There are more pressing things than your feelings. 

\- 

“Something has been weird with you.”  
Five hours into the workday and he says it while tinkering with beakers, writing things down fervently.   
You look down at him from the top of your stairs and he looks so distinctly small.   
“I apologize.”  
“Nah, dude it’s like… there’s something weird like… here, you know?”  
He waggles his hand between your bodies and you decide that maybe the best approach to this is talking. 

Because he’s right.   
No matter how much you decided to keep this out of your mind, you really couldn’t.   
It kept floating around in there, clouding your brain with questions.   
It is annoying. 

“I’m totally not alone on this, right? Maybe I’m just being weird. Sorry, right yeah I’m probably just being weird, nevermind.”  
He’s still talking, while you very carefully get yourself down the steep ladder.   
“Maybe I’m just kinda on edge or something or whatever, you know what I’m probably talking to much but it’s like you’ve been avoiding me or something! I don’t know man you won’t even look in my general direction!”  
When you get down from the ladder you immediately sit down on your chair, complete with little wheels on the bottom and you roll yourself over to you famed yellow line, made on a particularly hard night. It is quite amazing how you deal with grief and anger, mostly by taking it out on the people around you. You suppose most people do that. 

He’s looking straight at your face, you look him briefly in the eyes and his shoulders relax.   
It’s a sign of trust and he knows it is. 

“I am starting to suspect that I might be attracted to you - in both a romantic and sexual manner.”  
“Oh. I mean, that’s cool. Wait, are you gay? Or like… attracted to men at all?”  
“Yes.”  
You managed to say before he goes on.  
“Of course you are, yeah right, yeah. Okay. Right. Uh. Attracted. To me?”  
“Yes.”  
“Huh. Are you sure? Because, like, I have not been getting that vibe at all and I’m normally pretty good at realizing who wants to fuck me.”  
Your face scrunch up because this is not what you expected at all, well, at this point you aren’t really sure what you expected.   
“Was that crossing a line?”  
He says when he sees your face.  
You nod.   
“Okay wait, wait, wait. Are you asking me out on a date? Because this is not a great way to ask someone out on a date.”  
“Well, I- I- I-...”  
Of course you wouldn’t be able to get the words out.  
You want to tell him that you aren’t actually sure, that this is difficult for you, that you would not ask him out on a date like that. That maybe they could just talk about this, or not.   
You want him to help you figure this out but your voice is not working at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> l m a o the trashboat [me] is back !! with another chapter of !! TRASH !!   
> [i promise im a decent writer im sorry all teachers ive ever had]  
> LETS POST THIS WITHOUT LOOKING IT OVER !! WHOO!!


	4. Chapter 4

You tap on your thigh twice, with two fingers, a beat in between - it’s your safesign. The BDSM community did have some smart ideas, even if you use them in a different way than they were thought of.   
Newton clamps his mouth shut and backs away quickly.   
“Sorry, right yeah, uh, overwhelming?”  
You nod.   
“Want me to get you a pen and paper, or do you just wanna use one of your smaller blackboards like last time?”  
You hold up two fingers. You were always a fan of the number two. He grabs the one you keep hidden on top of the fridge.   
He fiddles around while you write, he has never been patient - and you don’t exactly write very quickly.   
I am not sure of what I am feeling, and I do not know how to deal with it.  
That’s all the little board says after about twenty minutes, it’s empty and does not tell a complete story, but it is enough. Most of those minutes were spent thinking of how exactly to place this exact thing that you are feeling into words that make you understood - that has never been an easy task.   
Newton stares at it for a moment and finishes fiddling with his tie, he puts it down, runs his hand over it, a surefire sign of him wanting to and most likely about to begin to talk - in earnest, with some thought put behind it.  
“Uh, you know there’s like… An actual name for that. It’s like a thing, you probably know, uh, Alexithymia. Overlaps with the whole Autistic thing a lot.   
Anyways I think that, we might, need to like… Maybe experiment?”  
He swallows, you watch his adam's apple bob.   
“I’m not un-interested. In you. In. In. That particular way that you were describing.”  
He smiles, it's full and wide and warm.   
“Can I kiss you?”

-

When faced with a particularly hard problem, you use the concept of divide and conquer often.   
Recursively break down the problem into smaller, more manageable bits - until they are so simple you can solve them. This is mostly used for making specific algorithms very efficient, but this can also be useful when solving issues in regards to your specific body.   
But sometimes this does not work at all.   
So it goes.

\- 

You nod.   
It is careful and you refuse to look him in the eyes, but you know his smile just got wider, he sidesteps - left foot twice, right foot once, then three times after a beat.   
You look up at him. Your face feels warm.  
“Can I touch you?”   
His voice is very very soft and he is very close to you.   
You nod again, everything is starting feel very very warm and he puts his hand carefully on your cheek, you blink because it doesn’t hurt, he’s touching you very very softly and pulling you closer, not even properly, just sort of implying it with his touch somehow oh christ he’s...   
Kissing you.   
And nothing has ever felt as good.

**Author's Note:**

> i made an account here and thought to myself "hey time to use MY experience as a gay, autistic, asocial, unfriendly asshole who's studying compsci and going into computer mathematics to write hermann"  
> never mind the fact that the only thing i write are critical essays  
> but like idk me and the gf seem like we hate each other a lot because we keep screaming at each other all the time  
> these are enough notes  
> good bye


End file.
